Effect Of Marital Disputes On Children

Article by Atri Das & Dr. Ria Das

Illustrations by Roshmija Biswas*

14 July, 20

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“Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.” — Erma Bombeck

No matter how blunt the statement seems, a deeper dive will give you the stark reality of what marriage means! It’s not only the union of two souls but a lifelong treaty to love, like and support each other. With it’s rosy days, comes the thunderstorm which may last for ever and destroy everyone associated with the marriage, if not handled properly.

The ‘Monkey see, monkey do’ policy: How it works!

Psychologist Albert Bandura (1977) demonstrated through the Bobo Doll experiment that children learn behaviour through observation and imitation.

• Children absorb what they see — not what they are told.

• Younger children imitate faster because observational learning dominates early development.

• They copy both positive and negative behaviours.

This means children don’t just witness conflict — they learn how conflict is handled.

Long term effects:

While children may not be affected witnessing these conflicts in the short run, it may leave them anxious and unresolved if we talk about a long-term view. They become prone to developmental and emotional problems as these conflicts successfully and unconsciously invade the child's emotional security zone. Further they may fall prey to habituation and normalise the actions performed by the parents during conflicts like cursing, beating, shouting, throwing and breaking objects etc.

As per the observation learning theory children may internalise the verbal and physical aggressive acts and assume that these actions are completely normal in a conflict-ridden situation rather than having a more rational or calmer approach to the problem. Older children may feel threatened and confused about the life with either of the parents, specially when they are left to chose any one to live with. Choices may become material driven rather than an emotional bonding like need for school fees, daily expenses, materialistic demands and the like which in turn lead to long term damage of self esteem and detachment from the other parent. This approach-avoidance conflict may snowball into severe stress and take a toll on the overall normal functioning for the child or teen.

Lastly children may also strain their relationship with their parents which may create a void and could potentially last their entire lifetime. Not only hatred but also indifference may arise out of the entire conflict situation which in turn leads to abandonment of parents in later life.

Common feelings experienced by children in the long term due to marital conflicts

When we talk about feelings, it’s mostly the negative ones which surfaces due to parental conflict. Here are a few most common feelings associated with marital discord which also has some long-term implications:

• Fear: uncertainty about future, getting hurt, abandonment

• Anxiety: future disruptions or further conflicts

• Irritable and low mood: due to constant negative environment which may also lead to depression

• Regret: of being born to such parents

• Hatred: towards parents and negative attitude towards marriage

• Jealousy: about peers for having better life and better parents

• Ignorance: may seep in after being exposed to the situation for a long term leading to indifference

• Frustration: inability to with stand the conflict and aggression any more which may also lead to anger out bursts

• Low self-esteem: poor self-image and poor problem-solving skills

• Feelings of insecurity regarding physical, emotional and material needs

• Avoidance: avoiding people in order to steer away from discussion based on parental conflict. This in turn may lead to different addictions where the child finds solace

• Desire to leave home early in life to avoid further confrontations

• Lack of resources and support

Reflection Check:

Parents — Ask yourself:

• Do we argue in front of our child?

• Do we resolve conflicts respectfully?

• Does my child show mood or behaviour changes after conflicts?

• Do I involve my child in disagreements?

  
  

Children / Teens — Reflect gently:

• How do I feel when my parents argue?

• Do I blame myself?

• Who do I feel safe talking to? Can I reach out? If not what can I do?

• Can I write down my feelings?

Please remember, talking to a trusted one is very essential and much needed. Seek help if you feel the distress is taking over your decisions and mind.

Practical Tips That Actually Help

For Parents

✔ Pause arguments when emotions escalate

✔ Never involve children as messengers or judges

✔ Reassure the child: “This is not your fault.”

✔ Model calm disagreement and repair

✔ Seek counseling if conflict repeats

Golden rule:

It’s not conflict that harms children most — it’s unresolved hostile conflict.

For Children or Teens Reading This:

You are not responsible for your parents’ problems.

Try this:

• Talk to a trusted adult or counselor

• Write your feelings in a journal

• Use grounding breathing when anxious

• Remind yourself: “Their conflict is not my identity.”

Have faith in yourself and your parents, all they need right now is some love and kindness.

Remind them how they both put in so much love and hard work to bring you up!

Ask them to avoid the bitterness, wrath, anger and din and converse rationally about the problem. You might urge them to accept and forgive each other.

And for those who didn't get the chance to resolve this with your parents, may you lift off yourself from the regret and reparent yourself changing the toxic patterns. May everyone find peace!

Try this to calm down! However understand that in times of high distress to seek help! Talk to a trusted one or your school counsellor!

If as a parent you are reading this then…*

Start by understanding the warning signs - take the test!

*Please note that the results are not conclusive. Consult your mental health professional for detailed understanding and actions.

Try to be calmer in your approach, sort out things when your child is not around and more over seek help. There are several instances which may overwhelm you and take drastic decisions and impulsive actions. Try and take a time off and think it over!

Sometimes asking for help and suggestions may open up a whole new world of possibilities and clear misunderstandings! Your child needs a good life, and as parents you can help your child feel safe, secure and loved! Just like you want from your partner….

“Maybe it won’t work out. But maybe seeing if it does will be the best adventure ever.”

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*All illustrations are original work and may not be copied for business purposes. Anyone interested to use may write a mail to info.emojar@gmail.com